JETHRO HOROWITZ

I was sick a few weeks back with a stomach bug that lives inside the mushy shit of a two year old baby. The bug knows no mercy, it tried to kill me and my family. I believe I was infected during a routine nappy change. The open air provided the virus the perfect opportunity to launch itself out of the sewers and into the air infecting everyone in the room.

3 nights later, I was unaware I was infected and continued about my night dining on chicken and rice. On my way back from the restaurant, I froze in my tracks as a sharp pain twisted my spine into a pretzel. My stomach was in meltdown and I needed to find my porcelain friend, stat. I hobbled the rest of the way home like a bow-legged midget on smack.

I was able to maintain my dignity for only a few brief minutes longer as I waited for the elevator to take me to my final resting place. The elevator finally arrived and people were polite enough not to mention my atomic red face and pouted lips. The doors opened and I bolted through the corridor tearing away pants as tears ran away from my face. I scrambled into my room and buckled up my safety belt as I took the seat. I burst an organ on ignition and swayed a couple of degrees to the right during take-off. I chuckled to myself as I imagined the cleaner’s face as he lifts the lid to find his present. At the same time, I quietly hoped it wouldn’t leave a stain on our friendship. Little did I realise, the final joke was to be on me.

When all was said and done, the room smelt like an abattoir and the neighbourhood dogs began to yelp for a slice of the pie. I opened all the windows and doors to allow everyone to taste the smell of victory. I, however, was in no mood for congratulatory cards and fruit baskets, I had just given birth to octuplets and mummy needed her rest. I collapsed onto the bed feeling like I was the night’s entertainment for a maximum security prison. Warden, please let me go. I finally found peace in a brief moment of sleep before I was rudely awoken.

My stomach had me gagging for air as it prepared me for what was going to be a marathon. I paced up and down questioning if I was fit enough or if I should just call an ambulance. Unsure, I rang a friend who assured me I had to face my demons alone. I unplugged my land line, turned off my mobile, shut down my computer and locked the doors. It was fight night and I was going to lose. I nervously walked the green mile to my destiny, bent over and prayed. The first gush, brought me to my knees, this was followed by blow after blow of hard hitting ground and pound punches. Like in slow motion, I fell to my side as my head bounced off the tiles in the shower. I lay cold and quivering in the foetal position crying.

Unsure what to do, I mumbled curse words in tongues as I allowed the devil a short visit. I then stripped down to my birthday suit and threw the clothes I was wearing into the bin. After a quick shower, I was ready for round two. This particular round, took the remainder of that night’s dinner and left me quivering, naked and crying in the foetal position.

This process happened 10 more times before I started dry wrenching and coughing up bile. I had lost all liquids and was going to die. I remember my mum teaching me to take only sips of water when in situations like this. I took this advice but it only gave the bug more ammo. My most graceful moment occurred during round 12. I had been eyeing off an ice cold 600 mill bottle of water in my fridge since round 8 and although I knew what was going to happen I threw caution to the wind. I thought ‘gimme your best, bug’ as I skulled and skulled the whole ma fucker down. I couldn’t help but laugh as I paid the price for such clownery.

The trauma finally subsided as I choked out my opponent in the 12th round. I later found out my whole family had exactly the same symptoms. We survived, but it was very close.

This entry was posted on Friday, October 23rd, 2009 at 3:05 am and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.