JETHRO HOROWITZ

I just finished watching the last two seasons of the greatest television series in the world, ‘The Wire’. It makes me want to turn red H files into black, because I’d be good murder police. If you haven’t seen it yet, switch off ‘dancing with the stars’ and buy all 5 seasons today.

Wednesday night (Judo night) was disrupted this week by aching bones, sore throat, fever and headache. Was it possible I had caught the H1N1 Schwein Flu? Could a gay, double knitted scarf have prevented it? There was only one way to find out; the Commonwealth Government’s Schwein flu hotline. It was 4:30 am and I was desperate for answers, I called the number. I was greeted by an answering machine telling me to call back at 8:30 am, god damn it this is my life we’re talking about here! I huddled, shivering in the corner waiting for morning to break.

As I waited, I passed the time groaning in agony while wondering how many virgins I would get on the other side. Rough calculations concluded around 144. I sat in comfort at the thought and watched as both the sun and my fever rose.

8:30 finally ticked over and being no sucker, I called immediately to beat the early morning rush of calls:

Operator: Swine Flu hotline, how may I help you?
Jethro: Thank God you answered; I’m experiencing flu like symptoms.
Operator: Chuckles “Hmm, ok”
Jethro: What should I do?
Operator: Well, stay at home and keep warm
Jethro: Anything else?
Operator: Like what?
Jethro: Should I see a doctor or take any medication?
Operator: I’m not trained to answer that question.
Jethro: Thanks for your time.

If the hotline couldn’t help me there was only one other place: UNSW Med clinic. I booked an appointment and went right over. I began to have second thoughts when I saw the room they quarantined for flu patients. There was a guy there with full facial mask looking like he could give me something worse than I already had. There were no magazines in this room or fancy fish tanks, I guess they didn’t want to spend money on people who were going to die anyway. I struck up a conversation with Dr. Death sitting next to me, who, as it turns out just had a runny nose and a sore throat. I lol’d at his symptoms and told him to buy a pack of Kleenex and go home. 40 minutes later I was called into the office.

I was tested for swine flu, given Tamiflu and told to quarantine myself for 3 days. Something which some pig fucker didn’t do in the first place which caused this shit to spread world-wide.

This entry was posted on Friday, July 31st, 2009 at 11:10 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.