JETHRO HOROWITZ

The fans won’t leave me alone, they hound me for stories and appearances.

I go to clubs and word gets out that Jethro Horowitz is in the house and girls lose their tops and guys lose their pants. It gets insane.

I went to Ivy on the weekend. Parked outside was a Ferrari which I would have carved the word ‘cunt’ into it with my key if 5 gorillas weren’t guarding it like it was the last banana in the jungle. The girls in my group couldn’t stop talking about how great the club is and how the owner is some awesome millionaire who gets sex in the handicapped toilet; presumably when some cripple isn’t trying to make tinkle with his tackle.

The entrance queue snaked around the block 8 or 9 times and reminded me of how pathetic people’s lives are that they have to do this to themselves in temperatures below freezing. I was wearing 4 layers of clothes and was looking forward to a week of coughing up blood and dying of AIDS or whatever illness you can catch in a situation like this. After hours of waiting and keeping myself warm on thoughts of how I would kill the bouncer when he refuses me entry, I arrived at the entrance. I was praying the door monkey wouldn’t let me in and how I would have more fun, hanging upside down from my testicles while watching re-runs of M.A.S.H. Unfortunately I was admitted along with the rest of the heard and had to pay my $20 entrance fee and look forward to $9 bottles of beer. I get into the club and it is packed with drones.

Gone are my V.I.P days of being ushered into a luxurious room with bottles of goose on the chill, freshly cut lines of cocaine and naked women locked in cages. I take my place in another fucking queue, this time at the bar next to some redneck. I wait my turn to pony up some green for some suds or get my face smashed in. I take my bottle and $1 change and laugh at the attempted dirty bartender look I get for taking away his precious tip. I then proceed to spoil everyone’s night by telling them how much I hate the club. I scrape together what dignity I have left and grab some people to hit the casino so as not to ruin a perfectly good night.

$20 blackjack FTW.

This entry was posted on Friday, July 17th, 2009 at 2:21 am and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.