JETHRO HOROWITZ

Last weekend I saw the much anticipated film, Angels and Demons.

The film stars Tom Hanks, best known for his role in Cast Away as the loveable sailor who fucked a coconut. The dialogue in Cast Away was the peak of Hank’s script integrity and he has only gone downhill since.

Swiss Guard: What does this mean?
Hanks: It’s a code, I’m a professor in codes I can prolly figure out what the code is.
Swiss Guard: A code?
Hanks: Yes a code.
Swiss Guard: But what does it mean?
Hanks: I dunno, but I bet it’ll take me 138 minutes to figure it out.

As I tried to follow the film, I couldn’t help but be distracted by the cow masticating beside me. This behemoth of a woman would cause her seat to bellow as she tipped to the side with an outstretched arm of fat. Her fingers, like hungry wombats, waddled over her friend’s lap and burrowed deep into a tub of popcorn. She would then begin to ruffle the popcorn between her fingers like a deck of cards. I concluded the ruffling pause was due to a heart spasm caused by intense excitement and over-exercise. Meanwhile, Hanks still couldn’t find the fucking Temple of Illuminati.

As I prayed for someone in the cinema to die, preferably me, I was targeting my focus on the whale’s feeding time. As she pulled a giant handful of popcorn up into the air I couldn’t help but think of an elephant. I also felt sympathy for the pain she must feel when her hand reaches that dead man’s point, half way between her mouth and the bucket. To cure her anguish, I considered purchasing a trough of kernels for her to graze on.

Half way through intently listening to every single crunch, I began to fire off surrender-death stares to signal a forfeit by submission. My efforts were responded with an increase in her offense; bigger handfuls of corn were shoveled into her mouth and her chewing only became louder. As I became familiar with her game, I adapted my play and increased the intensity of my stares to full beam. She finally got the hint about one hour and a half into the god awfully boring movie. She turns to me with her mouth half full and asks “am I chewing too loudly?” I reply “just a bit”, she apologises and continues to crunch through the remainder of the bucket.

Hanks finally finds the Temple of Illuminati:

Hanks: Zomg I thought I knew who the killer was but there’s a twist
Swiss Guard: I can’t figure out anything without u Hanks
Hanks: I’m so awesome, ship my $20 million + royalties.

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