JETHRO HOROWITZ

The death of my links page continues with Jonny Vincent’s page the latest victim to follow Nick and Emad’s collapsed blogs. If I quit too, what would people do on the Internet? Can I single handedly keep the dream alive? Only time will tell.

As you all may recall, I wrote about how I nearly tore my leg off in a freak judo accident where I was performing a masterful throw. Physiotherapy told me to take time off training for 2 months, but they didn’t say anything about not engaging in horse-play and general tom-foolery. So, one lazy Sunday afternoon, I taught a friend a judo move which he learnt quickly and threw me onto concrete where I sprained my wrist. Please donate a gold coin to your favourite mental disability charity.

As I dribbled my way through another enthralling marketing lecture, I wrote the following blog:

Every week I respond to thousands of e-mails asking me how I stay so ahead of the game in fashion and in health. Rather than respond to each e-mail individually, I came up with:

Jethro’s Guide to Amazing Living

Winter is upon us and people think they have to get the flu and dress like a fag. Wrong. This is a common misconception.

Scarves look great on women and should be encouraged. Men wearing scarves when it’s not snowing are pretentious and should be hung.

Flu vaccinations give you the flu. I hear countless stories of people lining up for hours outside hospitals for their fix, only to catch the very same flu they were trying to avoid.

If you don’t want to catch the flu, act like a human being and punch people who come to work/school when they are sick. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you feel flem build up during a conversation with someone who is sick, croak it up and spit it in their eye.

Sleep, sleep and sleep some more. 10-12 hours of sleep is normal and don’t let people tell you there is something wrong with you. Sleeping is better than any medicine in the world and will cure you from just about every known disease, except for maybe AIDS (but that still has yet to be proved.)

If you can’t get 10 hours sleep because you have to wake up for an important meeting or an exam – skip it and sleep in. Jesus Christ, this is your health we’re talking about!

Drink gallons of juice everyday. Juice not only is full of vitamins and minerals, it is fucking delicious.

Track suit pants are in this season in a big way. They have never actually gone out of season at any point since their invention around the same time of rubber 3,000 years ago.

Hoodies are also a must and can be worn up indoors if the room is too cold. No one will ask you to lower your hood because you will look so damn gangsta.

If you do manage to get sick this season, you have failed one of my rules and should not leave your house for any reason other than to kill yourself.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 19th, 2009 at 7:31 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.