JETHRO HOROWITZ

The following is an un-edited e-mail I wrote to my brother when I was 15 and playing chess for the school.

I was playing this total dickmunch of a guy the other day for a school competition. The dickhead first of all gets him self a biscuit and munches on it like a moron with the slosh slash and munch of cleaning his teeth with his tounge (as you can imagine it put me off my game) I showed that dickhead who was boss I start making all kinds of noises with my own mouth even though I wasn’t eating a biscuit. He looked at me as though I was trying to piss him off.

Secondly the prick gets up for another biscuit and instead of sitting back down he stands there …. so I am staring at the fucker trying to lure him down with my eyes and head, down down. but no this guy is no genius so he doesn’t get my message. So I stand up and go tell the teacher dude that this guy should be sitting down when playing. He tells me don’t be silly so I go back to my chair NOT to sit down but to stand behind my chair looking at the board. ok this guy gets the message he is staring at me like what the fuck are you doing. The teacher comes over cause he sees two morons standing behind their chairs looking at the game and tells us both to sit down, the pricks excuse is he likes to see the board that way, I said me too it helps me see the board. So when the prick moved his piece he sat down and so did I .

Thirdly, this guy could not think in his own stupid mother fuking head so he is standing there sloshing around his biscuit POINTING at the board trying to work out where he wants to go saying it to him self as he points. “If I go there ,he goes there then I go here then …. ok”

On top of that the game lasted for 2 hours. Last game in the whole building. Everyone had gone except for the teachers and the head of chess. Let me tell you about the game. He had me strung up by the balls for one stage he had at one stage my queen my rook and both my bishops to take, he takes my rook I do some bullshit move he takes my bishop and I had a chance to fork the bastard but just missed it, he is a rook up, he has his queen and king lined up quiet nicely just where my bishop can come up and go boom and fuck him up nicely. ONE problem if that happens his rook takes me ( got to get rid of rook )

So my genius sets in and I think and think and finaly to no avail move my pathetic pawn up so he would think I am trying to run from his rook (there are two pawns he can take lined up horizontally) I move one of them he takes the other and I am so happy I pick my bishop up and drop it I am shaking with excitment pick that bastard up and boom bam you lose fucker !!!! hahaha.

He is so pissed off he was steaming !!! hahaha serves you right asshole ! he asked me why I couldn’t of done that before and then answers his own question in his own stupidity. From then on in he was going down down down. I had 8 people standing around my game watching me finish this prick off. I forked his king and rook and he does some shit move then I do a discoverd check instead of taking his rook.The piece that I moved disabled him from moving 99% of the squares so it would be checkmate next move and so he sees he is a losing piece of shit, picks his king up and bam slams that baby down and there is going to be hot cakes tonight my friend.

Everyone is commenting on what a brilliant way of finishing him off I shake everybodies hand, I am in the spotlight for a good 5 mins and feeling great, they want to put my move in the school newspaper and try to get people to figuer it out, it was such a mind numbing fucking brilliant move. Out of all the people watching the game nobody saw the move. They even commented on how good it was when I hadn;t even finished the game which was a bit rude for the other guy to put up with. But he deserved it

So I win some kind of prize cause I am undefeated and purely the best.

Enough about me how about you ?

Jethro

This entry was posted on Friday, February 6th, 2009 at 10:13 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.