JETHRO HOROWITZ

I coin so many phrases they call me a fucking mint. The latest coinage comes in the form of revolutionizing the finance industry. A typical sentence a trader might say is:

“Babcock & Brown shares dropped 5% and caused me to lose $1,000.”

The way I read that sentence is:

“I lost a carrot when the Cock dropped 5 points.”

Other notable phrases include: “I bought Babcock & Brown shares today I think you should too”

Translation: “Come ride the Cock with me.”

When I’m not spending my time discovering earth shattering breakthroughs in the way we discuss finance, I’m buying track suit pants.

For a long time I’ve struggled with the concept of pants. Everything about them from the zipper to the button was always a problem for me. I never understood why pajama pants weren’t socially acceptable and furthermore dressing gowns and bathrobes. They were easily the most comfortable attire in the world.

I’d always laughed at the bums in the poker world who would waddle on down to the tournament with the remains of a bucket of fried chicken wings stuck to their bowling ball sized gut. I would watch helplessly as the elastic on their XXL tracksuit pants cried out to me for help. I didn’t understand how people could look so disgusting and get away with it. And yet the answer was staring me right in the face.

When buying a pair of these God creations. You must go to Lowes (no this is not a cash for comment), everyone knows this. So, please, when you see me next time sporting my new threads, do not judge me for what I have become. Do not point a finger and laugh at the slob. I suggest you rip of those drainpipe jeans and join the revolution.

This entry was posted on Friday, June 27th, 2008 at 10:09 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.