The Licenced Idiot
I celebrated Christmas day, 30 feet off the ground, clinging to the branches of a tree.
It all started when I took my brother to the park to show off my super-cool helicopter. I was disappointed to find everyone and their dog was there, so rather than fly another day, I decided to fly in the corner of the park, near the helicopter poaching trees. So, sure enough, I flew my helicopter (nick-named, ‘Da Vinci’) straight into the highest branch of the highest tree. In an act of desperation, I began jumping up and down throwing sticks at the branch. After many attempts to knock it out, I resorted to my primordial instincts and ran up the tree like a Coconut Gorilla.
At first, I didn’t realise how high I was, so I kept on climbing to the encouragement of a developing crowd of onlookers. I finally reached a height where my stupidity and balls had had enough. I looked down and like the scene from any movie where the guy was scared shitless, I was that guy. As I stood there frozen to tree, I wondered if the embarrassment of calling the fire department would be greater than the pain of falling to my death. I came to the conclusion that I would prefer death over embarrassment so I began my decent.
As I began my decent, a stick the size of a log, came whizzing past my head; and another and another. Little did I realise, my brother had orchestrated a bunch of onlookers to assist in the dislodging of the helicopter and me from the tree. I screamed out in vain but they kept on hurling. Rather than be the prize of some dickheads lucky throw, I scurried down the tree, faster than I had climbed up.
My pants arms and legs are torn to shreds but my helicopter was dislodged by a man and his soccer ball. Unbelievable? Believe it!
My brother was kind enough to document
Creating an ingenious tool
Oh God, don’t do it
“Hello, emergency service? I got a problem.”
The other day I went to get my drivers licence renewed. A typical boring story? Wrong.
I am breaking records over at the RTA, this is the third time I have renewed my L’s Licence. With each renewal, I have had to do the Learners knowledge test at $30 a go. Also, I have to do 120 hours of practice in a car with another driver before I am eligible for my green or red or fucking purple P’s. I think I’ll sooner have a submarine licence than a drivers licence. Curse those NSW bureaucratic fat cats.
Also, I took my phone to FoneFix and they promised to fix it in 2 hours. 2 hours turned into 5 days which turned into 2 weeks. When I went up there to ask what was going on and why they weren’t returning my phone calls, every employee was out the front having smoko. And Qantas – I hope you choke on my plush goose feathers you bastards.