Nightmare Clowns and Bad Feng Shui
I am becoming increasingly unimpressed with what the gym can offer me. When they first hooked me all those months ago, I was lured by the charming sales lady and the free water bottle. Now, 8 months have gone by and I want to exchange the water bottle for a Big Gulp of pig fat.
I asked my personal trainer to compare my process, determination and overall fitness to his other clients. He didn’t answer me for 5 minutes. I thought he just didn’t hear me. As it turns out, for those 5 minutes, he was actually tanking a response. Half way through a bench press, he tells me, “well, you’re the worst in all categories.” I appreciated his honesty.
My health hasn’t been too good lately. My girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to come over to see me while she had the flu. I protested, but she convinced me that her flu only lasted 12 hours. I realise this would make it the shortest lasting flu in the history of medicine but I gave it a shot. Of course, 24 hours later I was coughing up goblins, burning up like a bastard and had a head-ache that could compare to spending an entire day at the Vegas Bar.
I am still not well and I was hallucinating with a fever all day, so I thought it be wise to step out and get my hair cut. When I got there, something was terribly wrong. I wasn’t sure if it was the pain killers or the fever playing tricks, but the place was a fucking circus.
Everything’s cool, I’m not getting my head washed by a lady-boy clown
Keep smiling and I’ll wake up from this nightmare
If I can’t improve my physical health I have decided to work on my spiritual well-being. Recently I have been tweaking the Feng Shui in my room. Feng Shui is the ancient Chinese art of arrangement; dealing with space and objects in order to achieve harmony. When I lose a big pot by getting 7th carded in stud08 I throw my cordless mouse at the wall, or my remote into the T.V. Obviously the positioning of these items were fucking with my Chi. Results are usually immediate because I feel a lot better.
I have also been practicing the philosophy of Karma. I usually am the one dishing out the bad Karma as a result of a bad action that someone has done to me. This could not be exemplified more so than the stupid cow that massaged me the other day. She gets a phone call half way through and she figures she’ll talk, then text with one hand while lightly rubbing my head with her other hand. 20 minutes pass by and she frees up her other hand so that she can bruise my neck and crush my wind-pipe with her man hands. NO TIP FOR YOU. It goes without saying, she gave me a filthy look. I soaked up the heat like a Ginga on a hot sunny day.