JETHRO HOROWITZ

The Laundromat across the road is a black hole run by a bunch of clowns. When my maid gives them my laundry, they rip open the bag and throw the clothes around the room like a family of monkeys playing with toilet paper. The shop is a joke and it is impossible to get back what you sent in. They constantly lose my socks and jocks and I’ve often received other people’s laundry in my laundry parcel. I’ve put up with their shenanigans long enough; today they went too far. They lost my G-Star jeans.

The jeans cost the equivalent of almost two months pay for the Filipino scrub women. It is the single most expensive piece of clothing these poor mops have ever lost. “It is time to pay” I screamed as I charged down there with torch lit and pitch-fork raised. When I arrived, they were prepared. They first denied ever having received my jeans. A smart move but nonetheless, a novice one. I gave them look of ‘screaming tiger’ and they gave me apology of ‘frightened bunny’.

I had them in the palm of my hand and I expected a full ceremonious apology filled with lights, dragons and drums. Then just maybe, out of the dragon’s mouth, a tongue would unravel and at its end would be my money wrapped in a neat red ribbon. I would then take this money and spend it on cheese and biscuits. Unfortunately for me, there was not going to be any parade or any tasty tasty snacks. Instead, I got tears and puppy dog eyed scrub women. I got stories of babies needing to be fed and sick mothers needing to be hospitalized. It was clear that if I was ever going to get any money it was going to be out of their wage. I didn’t know what to do.

We sat around the negotiating table and came up with a solution. They agreed to pay me a third of the amount of the jeans and the rest would be compensated in free laundry. I realise that babies will starve and mothers will die but if it means these people take responsibility for their actions, I believe the world will be a better place.

When I’m not killing babies and old ladies, I like to watch movies. Last night I watched Zodiac. I sat there for the full 2 and a half hours waiting for something to happen. I was totally expecting an amazing ending to compensate me for the time I wasted watching the film. Not only does nothing happen during the entire movie; none of the characters care about the plot either. It’s like they’ve put a bunch of actors together to stand around and do nothing but abuse the only character in the film that wants to do something interesting. This character does not achieve anything interesting, making it one of the most boring films I have ever seen.

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