JETHRO HOROWITZ

Christ, why does all my genius start at 5am, I can’t sleep because I have to tell the world to boycott Leonardo films.

If Leo spends as much time on script selection as he does on having sex with copious amounts of supermodels -he would win me back as a fan. Why must all of his latest films be wankishly complicated.

You know in kindergarten when your teacher used to groan at yet another kid’s story which ended in, “then I woke up and realised it was all a dream”. Cue intro to Inception:

Remember the sheer hatred felt when watching a perfectly good film and then being led into a scene where something actually happens? Then of course the character wakes up to realise it never actually happened and the film returns to a seemingly normal state except for one thing – you’ve fallen asleep with disgust. Cue the scene where Leo is paid 20 million and 20 supermodels to act in this coma-inducing sedative.

Leo plays another stereotypical cop with the same old problems as anyone else: alcohol and women.

Instead the twist is Leo’s wife is a ghost and you’re going to wish you brought in a bottle of Jack. The film’s plot is basic enough, it involves leo boring the audience to tears with endless sequences into his sick fantasies where he is fucking his dead wife. Leo brings friends along to the party, except he needs to hire an ‘architect’ to develop the layout of the fantasy so he can create some unforseen drama. Unforseen drama includes a train driving down a street – omg.

Leo, we scream! When is something going to happen? Unfortunately for the audience, Leo is asleep and we are left with a crafty twist at the end where we consider if we should demand our money back.

0-10 stars. Better luck next time Leo.